Being a Good Listener

Dear Cotillion Students,

I hope that you have a fun Valentine’s Day, the perfect way to start out your long weekend! 

This week, I would like to talk to you about one of the most important skills you can ever have in building good relationships – that of being a good listener.  

When we feel like we are heard and have someone’s full attention, it is a wonderful thing! It makes us feel valued, important, and understood. It validates us! But when the other person isn’t really listening, and isn’t giving us their full attention, we wind up feeling sad, unimportant, and that what we were saying didn’t matter to them. One of the traits of a lady or a gentleman is that of being a good listener. We want others to know that they have our attention, that we care, that we respect them and that we are ‘listening.’ There is nothing more respectful than giving someone our undivided attention and listening – really, really listening to them.

Whether in person, on the phone, facetime or zoom, we have to make an effort to develop this skill. Listening is different than hearing. Hearing is a passive physical process. Listening is a choice – something that we do consciously and that we can become better at. The Greek philosopher Epictetus said “Nature has given to men one tongue, but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.” Your challenge for this week (and going forward) is to become a better listener.

In order to become a good listener, there are some things that we need to do:

1. Set the stage for listening success by removing distractions.

• When in person, make sure that you don’t let your cell phone steal your attention. Something as simple as the ‘ding’ when you get a text message can divert your attention away. Turn your phone to silent, so that you can listen without distraction. 
• It’s hard not to watch TV out of the corner of your eye, turn it off if you can, and if you can’t, turn your back to it, move away from it and try to focus on the person you are talking to. (It requires more effort if a TV is on in the background.)
• If you are in the middle of something, ask them to wait or stop what you are doing. Listening is a skill that is hard to do while multitasking. 
• Be aware of your surroundings and those around you. A social setting is not a good time for a private conversation – others will feel left out, and it’s hard to focus your attention.
• Take your earbuds out! Put them away! Even if you are not listening to something while they are in and you are speaking to someone, it gives the impression that you are and that your attention is divided.

2. Be aware of the other person’s non-verbal communication: their tone, body language and facial expressions. Watch for things that they are communicating without saying them.

3. Make sure that your eye contact, tone, body language and facial expressions let them know that YOU are listening. 

• Make and maintain eye contact. Never look over the shoulder of the person you are talking to – they will feel unheard and unimportant. 
• A smile or nodding your head are silent responses that indicate you heard what they said.
• A glazed over look or slouching posture may give the impression that you are bored or tired of listening. 

4. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND.  

• Pay attention.
• Don’t listen just enough to respond. 
• Listen carefully to learn.
• Be patient – never give the impression that you are in a hurry.
• Don’t interrupt or change the subject. (Interrupting is the number one reason people don’t understand each other.)
• Be okay with a pause. Sometimes, our waiting to speak allows them to share more.  
• Never interrupt – it send the message that what you have to say is more important to you than what they are saying. (And it’s rude!)
• Have empathy (understand and share their feelings) and sympathy (feel for them). – Share the good news and the sad.

5. Think carefully and thoughtfully before responding.  

• Restate to them what you thought you heard, to confirm that you understood what they were saying. 
• Make sure the other person has finished what they were saying before you speak.
• Ask questions when appropriate. It shows that you are listening and interested. Be careful not to pry!
• Open ended questions allow for further discussion. 
• Avoid comparing your experiences to theirs.  
• Don’t be too quick to give advice. Sometimes, they just want to be heard and want your support, not necessarily have you solve their problems.
• Don’t be judgmental.
• Paying respect by giving someone your attention, does not mean that you have to agree with or accept everything that they are saying. You can disagree and still be respectful. 
• Offer a kind response.  

6. Keep the conversation positive. Sometimes it’s hard, but you can do it!

7. Look for common ground and things that you can share. This is a diplomatic skill that will serve you well!

8. Keep Confidences – ‘Be discreet, don’t repeat.’ Once their trust is lost, it is hard to regain.

9. Remember what others say to you. So that you can ask them about it later. 

10.Practice, practice, practice! Practice all of these techniques and you will learn to be a very good listener!

Being a good listener will improve your relationships, your educational experience and your ability to succeed in your career. It will improve your life! I encourage you to choose one or two of the items on the list and practice them this week.

Have a great weekend and practice listening – really listening – to a family member this weekend.

Love,

Mrs. Achiu